to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Congratulations! We have a period
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
