saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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