Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
