my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
