I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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