I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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