Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
