I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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