I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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