i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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