dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
