He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
