I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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