I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
