Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
