the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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