you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
