oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
