Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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