Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
