You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
