Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
