made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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