There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
