just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
