My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
