i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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