I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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