I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
