im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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