she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
