I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
