remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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