battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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