billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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