So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
