rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
