I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
