drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
