Three words: puerto rican gang bang
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
