it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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