I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You pole danced in your parka.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
