And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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