Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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