no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
