my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
