"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
