I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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