he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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