i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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