I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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