Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
