omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
