dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
